hello other side of me

Yesterday I met my competitive self for the first time.

My first qualifying workout for an upcoming Cross Fit competition had my stomach in knots, every neuron in my body firing and my teeth tingling.  I kept telling myself this is 'normal' pre-competition jitters. But it wasn't until half way into the workout that the adrenaline rush took the place of the nausea that was with me for days prior.

As always, the anticipation of the actual event proved far worse than the event itself. 

In hindsight, I'm proud of myself for how I did.  I was scared to dead-lift 135 lbs once.  Lo and behold - I picked that shit up 37 times! Although this wasn't anticipated to be one of my stronger qualifiers, I was happy to take 7th place at my gym location out of 17 girls in my category - and even more happy that I sustained no injuries.  In fact, my back feels quite good.

I feel quite good. No one else judges me but myself.  And I gotta sleep next to me each night.

When was the last time you were truly nervous about something, but in a way that made you feel so human - so alive?

sitting, watching

I sat in a play area with my son for two hours today and watched him play.  

I smiled at the pure joy of being able to be there to watch him, to allow him to thrive and be happy.

So very grateful for the simple things in life - for just being to watch my son be.

My heart goes out to those whom, for whatever reason, are not able to experience that simple joy in their lives.

Being really is the most precious gift of all.

what's your religion?

I was moved yesterday in church by the topic of discussion of an amazing speaker. 

Today I was similarly affected in temple when I read from the Torah and heard all the beautiful singing around me.

I don't know what I did right, but I'm pretty sure my Dad is mostly to blame.  He always taught me to respect all religions and to always remember the bigger picture - that we are all different and that is ok.

Today I felt proud that I could be somewhere that was so different from where I was yesterday - yet I felt so at home in both places.  

I guess maybe that's because my open mind is my new home.  And wherever it is - there I am. 

And love is my religion :)

What is yours?

the compass II

Funny how I go for a while without writing because I'm "out of sorts." 

But what I really need is to write.

You're human which means you can relate to what I'm about to say without a doubt.

At the same time but completely separate, 

I'm experiencing such conflicting emotions.

I'm mad at what cancer is doing to my cousin 

I'm sad for her children

I'm joyful at the 8 year mark of my daughter today

I'm weepy about my baby growing up

I'm proud at the mother I've been to my kids

I'm scared for what the world is teaching them

I'm excited that I am training for a cross fit competition 

I want to throw up because I'm so nervous about competing.

So I've learned a little something about myself - that I either hide when I'm feeling like my internal compass is spinning in so many directions - or I spill it all out there and admit my humanity.

Today I am choosing the latter only because these feelings are not a secret.  They have all been felt by someone, somewhere at some point in time.  

And even though they are mine,

I am not theirs.

I will be alright :)