tonight's the night...

Neil Young said it perfectly to Howard Stern...

"Some days you got it, some days you don't.

You want to preserve that day that you don't

for posterity for everybody to look at.

Some days I'm just not myself,

it just doesn't feel like me…

it's the cosmic weather.

You can't always have it

which makes you appreciate it so much

when you get it 

and that is what life is all about  - 

it's so beautiful…

the way it keeps changing."

Don't spend so much time trying to change
in this 'new' year.

Focus on appreciating
all that is right
and all that isn't
and let the ebb and flow
allow you to live your way
into your new self
one day at a time.

Happy New Year friends and followers.

~L~

a-dorn; verb

a-dorn: verb

- to make more beautiful or attractive.

At this time of year it's an ornament to a tree.

It's Bing Crosby and Ella Fitzgerald on your record player.

Maybe it's fresh powder on the window sill.

Nothing says 'tis the season like these embellishments.

But what about how one adorns another?

The garnish of Love?

If we have nothing else to decorate,

if we are bereft of impressive objects

or even a tree,

the beauty that adorns the season 

lies within your perception of 

what your spirit can hold.

It's wrapped inside the dilemmas of what to buy,

whom to tip,

how to divide up time with family,

where to hide the presents,

whom you are with and without this holiday.

All these little frustrations 

are actually blessings in disguise

that adorn each of us 

to one another.

All you have to do is see it.

Envision the ones you miss to highlight the ones you're with.

Arrange the imperfections of the ones you love

into a ball of mistletoe and stand underneath it.
Adorn the atmosphere with a kiss.

Recognize pain and suffering and adorn it with Love.

These are our gifts to one another.

Although it's been said,

many times, many ways,

Merry Christmas to you.

Thank you for adorning my writing
with your acknowledgments.

~ L ~

go ahead, judge me

If you've never been judged in any sort of 

competition,

do yourself a favor and sign up for it.

In light of yesterday's Cross Fit competition,

I had the pleasure of being judged and being the judge.

Pleasure, you ask?

Here's why:

You walk into a room. 

You're already nervous.

Your stomach hurts, 

your nerves send charges of tingles down your arm 

into your fingertips.

You're alone.

It's just you and the odds in a big crowded concrete room

full of cold alloyed steel,

large black rigs,

cannonballs of iron plastered with numbers 

you'd rather pay to get out of there than lift

and you've never felt lonelier.

Suddenly your soul searches for something to envelop the pain,

to occupy the harsh void of comfort.

I signed up for this?

You cling to every word of instruction

but you can't dredge up focus.

You feel the throb of your pulse in your eyes

as you notice the pencil that's about to 

record your flesh, blood and sweat onto a piece of paper.

Meet your judge.

As if you're not already not feeling human enough,

there's one who will remind you.

You've never met,

but you already fear him.

Please, you beg silently,

help me.

My vulnerability is at your mercy.

Take it and redeem it for compassion.

The bell rings, the clock starts.

Your body moves,

your muscles contract,

but all you feel is the purge of your weakness

that's about to set your new

personal record.

Because someone is watching you,

judging you,

your naked self 

camouflaged by the courage you simulated

when you signed up to be judged in the first place.

Please, you plead,

it's just me.

Be with me when you judge me.

Feel yourself in me.

We're the same.

The judger is watching.

I feel you,

he thinks to himself.

I've been there.

Keep going.

Your every effort is noticed.

He can't tell you,

but he wants you to hear him.

You do.

Because he is 

your

 own 

reflection.

The judge is the awareness of the judger

and the opposite is also truth.

One is a great teacher if the other will listen.

Don't live life without wanting to be judged.

Stare at it, instead, with a good solid look in the mirror.

Nothing can teach you more

than what you fear is your worst enemy.

The bell rings.

The weight drops.

Your muscles release.

The pencil's put down.

You walk away,

better for being judged.

~ L ~

the next time you feel empty...

If you punched me in the face,

you wouldn't beat me up as much

as I beat myself up

for not having the creativity flow out

of my body and into my fingertips

as it usually would.

All this blank space.
No words to write.
No ideas to ponder.

"Start over"
I tell myself.
"Find what you used to find,"
"Go where you want to go with it"
I say.

But I've been so damn concerned
about the edges,
the crust,
the beginnings and endings,
the past and the future
that I forgot where the hell I am.

But
I'm
Right
Here
In
The
Middle

Nothing reminded me more of that
than the match I lit
to light a candle.

This flame

that is always right here

within me.

It was the trigger

that reminded me to 

take inventory.

What's inside?

 Above all else,

I am an intricate design,

a big beautiful mess, actually,

of atoms that make up the

planet that I'm spinning on in the

middle

of empty space.

The middle.

The middle of consciousness.

Here I am.

I had to lose myself to find myself.

The very thing that was holding me back

is now helping me out.

If I am the light,

who would I be without the Dark?

And all of this space

in the 

middle

that I thought was empty,

is actually just

potential space to be

full.

And there's no better prescription

when you're feeling 

without edges, or middles

or knowing where the hell

you begin or end

than a jar of matches

to fuel your potential.

Match your flame to your blank space,

strike a nerve

and 

light up.

I dare you.

~L~

lesson from a boy

I have a fast car.

At least, that's what my 6-year-old son thinks.

In reality I drive an SUV not conducive to winning races.

There are always cars in front of us.

But no matter where we are on the road, 

what lane we're in, 

or how many other cars are around us, 

we're always in first place.

I look around and there's two cars ahead of me,

one on either side and some behind.

But clearly, in his mind, its just us.

"Yessss mom we're winning."

Little mind, big thoughts.

I want to be right there with you, buddy.

I'm putting my mind right up next to yours

where you can show me what it's like to 

think yourself to your destination.

You've arrived 

because your state of mind
is wherever you want it to be.

Love from a mom who cherishes these lessons from her son.

~ L ~

pulling up

I woke up this morning

feeling particularly feeble,

with a tinge of defeat

and a side of fear.

The New York Times glared at me

with its front page blazoning 

disease, suffering, fighting...

I felt small.

If I can change the way I'm thinking right now,

I thought -

can I change what happens in my small,

small world

where I'm just one ripple in the atmosphere?

Surely I can do that.

What if everyone could?

Small, low, scared,

I laced up my shoes.

Like a glove.

Walked into my gym,

tied a

CHAIN

around my waist 

with a 5-pound weight...

the weight of my world

plus 5 extra pounds of someone else's shit.

GET UP, LT.

GET UP!

Chin up over the bar to count.

Over and over 

until I could say that I was truly

truly

with nothing left.

Lighter, 

bereft of fear and doubt.

And then I realized I need to let go of some things.

Simply because they are too heavy

to carry 

without my shoes on.

That's big stuff.

~L~

clarity

That moment when

everything is clear

because 

nothing is certain…

~ L