loss when love is unrequited

un.re.qui.ted; adjective :

(of a feeling, especially love) not returned or rewarded

In light of a chat about death and loss

yesterday with a friend,

a new train of thought emerged
on a type of loss not often acknowledged as, well…loss.

Losing a loved one to death,

whether it be tragic and sudden

or slow and expected,

is a terrifying thought and a heart-wrenching reality

for most people at some point in their lifetime.

But what about loss of the living?

What happens to us when we lose someone close to us
(a friend, a spouse, a parent, a child)

who's love, who's friendship, or who's respect

is unrequited?

When they choose to cut us off
or when our actions shut us out?

Is rejection loss?
Is it as painful as losing someone to death?

According to an article written in 2013 by Guy Winch, Ph.D,

This is Your Brain on Rejection,

studies show that when someone feels rejected,

the same pathways in the brain for physical pain are activated,

meaning hurt feelings actually hurt.

You didn't 'lose' anything per se,

but your brain perceived the loss of that person as physical pain.

Is it harder to look at the same picture of someone

on your bedside table for the rest of your life 

who has passed away

or to watch an ever-evolving picture

of someone on social media that you lost 

who is still living - 

only without YOU?

The argument isn't which kind of loss hurts more,
but rather a bringing about of awareness to
a type of loss not often talked about,
such as unrequited love.

We are wired to feel pain in this way,
genetically and historically through evolution,
when once upon a time
being ostracized from small groups or tribes was
viewed as worse than death itself.

We read about the tragedy of unrequited love
in Shakespearean sonnets around 1600
such as Sonnet 149,
transcribed here into modern day verse;

"All of the best in me
worships the worst in you,
and you can command me with a glance.
But, my love, go on hating me,
because now I know your mind.
You love people who can see,
and I am blind."

So what do we do?
How do we deal with unrequited love
from a partner, a friend, a child or a parent?
I believe the answer lies in the teachings of Eckhart Tolle,
who speaks of this issue
in his book, 'A New Earth.'
He says,

"Whenever tragic loss occurs,
you either resist or you yield.
Some people become bitter or deeply resentful;
others become passionate, wise and loving.
Yielding means an inner acceptance of what is.
Resistance is inner contraction…you are closed…
the universe will not be on your side…
life will not be helpful.
When you yield internally….you surrender..
Circumstances and people then become helpful,
coincidences happen,
and if no action is possible (to change the situation),
you rest in the peace and inner stillness
that come with surrender."


When you lose someone in this way,
recognize the pain that we are wired to feel.
Hopefully this new perspective and awareness will
bring about more sensitivity towards the issue,
and forgiveness will be able to happen (one layer at a time),
whether you are the unrequitED, or the unrequitER.

~ L ~

go beyond self-doubt

When you doubt yourself for the small things you don't do, 

think big picture. 

You're on a planet that rotates around the Sun 

and trusts it's pull from the Moon. 

Your heart continues to beat, 

and your left foot trusts your right, 

as it always follows it…

The Earth does not rotate around the sun

in a perfect circle.

In fact, it's the imperfect oval 

that makes the ebb and flow

creating the seasons on our planet.

The Earth has to trust the Moon

because without it,

it would wobble significantly more

and have a harsher climate.

Your heart trusts

that while one valve opens to allow blood flow,

another valve closes to prevent backward flow.

The brain cannot feel pain,

so it trusts 

the body's hardwiring

to send it signals

that something is not right.

We need the very organ that cannot feel pain

to feel pain.

Such is the case with our own internal rhythm.

You must trust and believe in yourself,

in all that's right and that's not,

just as the Universe does.

As Victor Hugo says,

"Be as a bird, who, halting in her flight,

on a limb too slight,

feels it give way beneath her,

yet sings, sings knowing she has wings."

~ L ~

thrive even when there's no reason to

pros-per; verb - 

to flourish, grow, thrive

There out of the corner of my eye

was this lone cluster of frangipani -

ablaze with color!

Despite their solitude

from the rest of their counterparts

and the gray skies above,

there was nothing forlorn 

about them.

~ L ~