un.re.qui.ted; adjective :
(of a feeling, especially love) not returned or rewarded
In light of a chat about death and loss
yesterday with a friend,
a new train of thought emerged
on a type of loss not often acknowledged as, well…loss.
on a type of loss not often acknowledged as, well…loss.
Losing a loved one to death,
whether it be tragic and sudden
or slow and expected,
is a terrifying thought and a heart-wrenching reality
for most people at some point in their lifetime.
But what about loss of the living?
What happens to us when we lose someone close to us
(a friend, a spouse, a parent, a child)
(a friend, a spouse, a parent, a child)
who's love, who's friendship, or who's respect
is unrequited?
When they choose to cut us off
or when our actions shut us out?
or when our actions shut us out?
Is rejection loss?
Is it as painful as losing someone to death?
Is it as painful as losing someone to death?
According to an article written in 2013 by Guy Winch, Ph.D,
studies show that when someone feels rejected,
the same pathways in the brain for physical pain are activated,
meaning hurt feelings actually hurt.
You didn't 'lose' anything per se,
but your brain perceived the loss of that person as physical pain.
Is it harder to look at the same picture of someone
on your bedside table for the rest of your life
who has passed away
or to watch an ever-evolving picture
of someone on social media that you lost
who is still living -
only without YOU?
The argument isn't which kind of loss hurts more,
but rather a bringing about of awareness to
a type of loss not often talked about,
such as unrequited love.
We are wired to feel pain in this way,
genetically and historically through evolution,
when once upon a time
being ostracized from small groups or tribes was
viewed as worse than death itself.
We read about the tragedy of unrequited love
in Shakespearean sonnets around 1600
such as Sonnet 149,
transcribed here into modern day verse;
"All of the best in me
worships the worst in you,
and you can command me with a glance.
But, my love, go on hating me,
because now I know your mind.
You love people who can see,
and I am blind."
So what do we do?
How do we deal with unrequited love
from a partner, a friend, a child or a parent?
I believe the answer lies in the teachings of Eckhart Tolle,
who speaks of this issue
in his book, 'A New Earth.'
He says,
"Whenever tragic loss occurs,
you either resist or you yield.
Some people become bitter or deeply resentful;
others become passionate, wise and loving.
Yielding means an inner acceptance of what is.
Resistance is inner contraction…you are closed…
the universe will not be on your side…
life will not be helpful.
When you yield internally….you surrender..
Circumstances and people then become helpful,
coincidences happen,
and if no action is possible (to change the situation),
you rest in the peace and inner stillness
that come with surrender."
When you lose someone in this way,
recognize the pain that we are wired to feel.
Hopefully this new perspective and awareness will
bring about more sensitivity towards the issue,
and forgiveness will be able to happen (one layer at a time),
whether you are the unrequitED, or the unrequitER.
~ L ~
The argument isn't which kind of loss hurts more,
but rather a bringing about of awareness to
a type of loss not often talked about,
such as unrequited love.
We are wired to feel pain in this way,
genetically and historically through evolution,
when once upon a time
being ostracized from small groups or tribes was
viewed as worse than death itself.
We read about the tragedy of unrequited love
in Shakespearean sonnets around 1600
such as Sonnet 149,
transcribed here into modern day verse;
"All of the best in me
worships the worst in you,
and you can command me with a glance.
But, my love, go on hating me,
because now I know your mind.
You love people who can see,
and I am blind."
So what do we do?
How do we deal with unrequited love
from a partner, a friend, a child or a parent?
I believe the answer lies in the teachings of Eckhart Tolle,
who speaks of this issue
in his book, 'A New Earth.'
He says,
"Whenever tragic loss occurs,
you either resist or you yield.
Some people become bitter or deeply resentful;
others become passionate, wise and loving.
Yielding means an inner acceptance of what is.
Resistance is inner contraction…you are closed…
the universe will not be on your side…
life will not be helpful.
When you yield internally….you surrender..
Circumstances and people then become helpful,
coincidences happen,
and if no action is possible (to change the situation),
you rest in the peace and inner stillness
that come with surrender."
When you lose someone in this way,
recognize the pain that we are wired to feel.
Hopefully this new perspective and awareness will
bring about more sensitivity towards the issue,
and forgiveness will be able to happen (one layer at a time),
whether you are the unrequitED, or the unrequitER.
~ L ~
