surrender to the song

You can't help how a song makes you feel,

just as you can't help who or what you love.

You know this because you take the back seat

when the song comes on and suddenly you surrender to it's effect on you

because

(((  THERE IT IS  )))

Maybe it's a whole album.

One song.

One chorus.

One phrase.

Whatever it is, it's a ton of bricks when it hits you.

It sneaks up behind you in a taxi cab radio and knocks the wind out of you.

You get goose bumps on the airplane when you can hear it through 14D's headphones.

It sets you back on your run or it pushes you faster as it 

takes you back in time.

It's more than just any old song.

It's the rhythm of two heartbeats,

one is always mine, 

the other is Yours.

You, of course, the one whom I've connected with at some point in my life.

The point at which the song entered my mind

and never took exit.

You,

the smell of pancakes and syrup from my childhood,

the intersection I always stared at from the backseat of the car,

the time when I was conquering the world,

the times I felt ravaged by the venom of your casually cruel disdain.

You,

the first awkward slow dance,

the girl in the mirror staring back at me in 1985,

the lonely summer nights of my teenage catastrophe,

the punch that I got back up from.

You

are the song's effect on me.

So I have to say,

thank You for bringing me back to you every now and then.

For pulling me back like an arrow

so that I can now shoot forward with fervor.

Thank You for reminding me that you were once there,

and that now you're only a memory.

I've adjusted your volume,

as the punch was too loud at times,

and so ferociously fond at others.

Whisper the memory softly

as I walk the tightrope of fabric we've woven together.

Always remembering your presence and your absence,

teetering back and forth on this rope of time,

pancake of mine.

For all the miles of time between us,

you're still dancing around in my memory,

even as this new girl that I see in the mirror.

~ L ~

this word in my dictionary: dis-en-gage, verb

dis-en-gage;  verb

/ disen' gaj/   -  to separate or release (someone or something) to which they are attached or connected.

I overheard this word being used today in a conversation.

The man said to his wife,

"Honey, simply disengage yourself from her and engage yourself with the one whom you do get along with."

That word replayed in my head in slow motion, backwards and in fast forward all at once.

I was dissecting what it means to me,

Disengage: VERB TO HELP YOUR SANITY

"To detangle yourself from the web of any relationship that is either unfulfilling, toxic or disappointing. By doing so, you allow space to ENGAGE in the ones who do the opposite."

This will come as a relief for those of us who tend to over-focus on what we're not getting from someone in our lives, whether they're a sister, aunt, parent, friend, etc.

This doesn't mean that you should run away from uncomfortable relationships, and in fact, it means the opposite. By disengaging a bit, you are allowing yourself to take a step back from the magnification of the symptom of the issue at hand and refocus on the bigger picture - the nature of the problem itself.

If the problem is that you have given all that you can and the other will not even give you an inch,

then you must disengage and refocus.

Where do you place this focus upon?

Ask yourself which relationships ARE working well, 

the ones that ARE making you feel good, and 

love the crap out of those people.

Engage in what makes you feel best.

Tell people how much you appreciate them.

Place your focus in all these right places.

I can't get enough of this lately.

Maybe this is why I heard this word come out of his mouth in slow motion like this:

D  i  i  i  i  s  s  s  s  e  e  e  n  n  n  g  g  g  g a  a  a  a  g  g  g g  e  e e e 

Cross-examination complete.

Engagement in progress.

~ L ~

a LITTLE advice for a BIG Monday

 

Pushing your limits

while no one else is around...

 

 

That's where it's at.

 

 

Try pushing yours even a half inch one way or the other.

One less bite, one more rep,

one more block,

flip your hair with more flare,

dress up for no reason,

hug that bitch that you can't stand,

cook a fancy meal for one.

 

Do all this especially when no one else is around

because wherever you go...

there you are!

 

And what a better person to impress.

 

~ L ~

 

 

 



take care of your parts

This past weekend was the 35th anniversary of my birth, 

and quite honestly it was the best one yet.

I couldn't ignore, however, the fact that the whole weekend

something else was also on my mind - 

being at a friend's funeral last month.

It would mark the anniversary of her death.

Her perception of her world - her mind - took her own life.

And I thought,

wow, the power of the mind.

It really IS the operating system of the human body.

You could feed this operating system all the good thoughts, 

love and stimulation to keep it going - and it will. 

It keeps going even if it's jaded by another.

Unless it's sick.

And the heart.

It pumps blood through your veins 

even when you don't feel like you can move one more inch.

It keeps going even when you give up.  

Even when it's wounded by another.

You could feed it all the love and healthy food and exercise in the world and it 

wouldn't stop beating.

Unless it's sick.

Whether you have a sick heart, foot, lungs, brain, blood,

or whether any of these things feel heavy inside,

take care of these parts that can't live without each other.

The parts are not you. 

You are the parts.

It's up to you.

Assess what you can change and what

someone else can help you change.

Accept what you can't.

Let people love you.

Love them back.

I came into the world on the 9th day of March in 1979.

It was a Friday.

I'm sure someone also broke their foot that day, 

was hurt by another, 

passed away in their sleep,

got married,

got divorced.

Every day that I celebrate I also try 

to remember what else is going on in this world around me.

I'm aware.

I try to overcome as best I can, and if I can't,

I know that at least I love with all my heart.

In celebration, in honor and in memory 

of all,

in sickness and in health,

~ L ~

I was always so quick to deny help at the grocery store.

I don't need help, I thought.

I am capable of taking my own groceries out to my car.

But my entire outlook changed yesterday,

as something made me accept the help

of a nice older gentleman.

"Which way to your car," he asked.

Surprised at my own compliance, I replied

"This way."

I started walking out to the car briskly as I often do,

and turned around to realize he hadn't even left the store yet.

I went back inside to find him.

"I'm sorry, ma'am, but my legs aren't working well today.

I could tell you my sob story, but it's not necessary.

You'll have to forgive me for being slow."

"Are you sure you want to come outside all this way?" I asked.

"Oh, yes," he said.

"The day is beautiful and I am lucky I can still walk.

So if you can be patient with me, I would love to help you."

Sure, I thought.

Sure I will walk with you,

at your own pace.

In fact, take me with you at this pace.

Lead me into your slow stance with time.

Time really did stand still.

I thanked him for letting me walk with him 

and for teaching me more than he could know.

It was an exchange I will never forget.

Slow down and breathe more.

It reminded me of something Abraham Lincoln once said,

"I'm a slow walker, but I never walk back."

It's Monday, walk slowly and pay attention to this day 

instead of swiftly jumping to Friday.

~ L ~