loss when love is unrequited

un.re.qui.ted; adjective :

(of a feeling, especially love) not returned or rewarded

In light of a chat about death and loss

yesterday with a friend,

a new train of thought emerged
on a type of loss not often acknowledged as, well…loss.

Losing a loved one to death,

whether it be tragic and sudden

or slow and expected,

is a terrifying thought and a heart-wrenching reality

for most people at some point in their lifetime.

But what about loss of the living?

What happens to us when we lose someone close to us
(a friend, a spouse, a parent, a child)

who's love, who's friendship, or who's respect

is unrequited?

When they choose to cut us off
or when our actions shut us out?

Is rejection loss?
Is it as painful as losing someone to death?

According to an article written in 2013 by Guy Winch, Ph.D,

This is Your Brain on Rejection,

studies show that when someone feels rejected,

the same pathways in the brain for physical pain are activated,

meaning hurt feelings actually hurt.

You didn't 'lose' anything per se,

but your brain perceived the loss of that person as physical pain.

Is it harder to look at the same picture of someone

on your bedside table for the rest of your life 

who has passed away

or to watch an ever-evolving picture

of someone on social media that you lost 

who is still living - 

only without YOU?

The argument isn't which kind of loss hurts more,
but rather a bringing about of awareness to
a type of loss not often talked about,
such as unrequited love.

We are wired to feel pain in this way,
genetically and historically through evolution,
when once upon a time
being ostracized from small groups or tribes was
viewed as worse than death itself.

We read about the tragedy of unrequited love
in Shakespearean sonnets around 1600
such as Sonnet 149,
transcribed here into modern day verse;

"All of the best in me
worships the worst in you,
and you can command me with a glance.
But, my love, go on hating me,
because now I know your mind.
You love people who can see,
and I am blind."

So what do we do?
How do we deal with unrequited love
from a partner, a friend, a child or a parent?
I believe the answer lies in the teachings of Eckhart Tolle,
who speaks of this issue
in his book, 'A New Earth.'
He says,

"Whenever tragic loss occurs,
you either resist or you yield.
Some people become bitter or deeply resentful;
others become passionate, wise and loving.
Yielding means an inner acceptance of what is.
Resistance is inner contraction…you are closed…
the universe will not be on your side…
life will not be helpful.
When you yield internally….you surrender..
Circumstances and people then become helpful,
coincidences happen,
and if no action is possible (to change the situation),
you rest in the peace and inner stillness
that come with surrender."


When you lose someone in this way,
recognize the pain that we are wired to feel.
Hopefully this new perspective and awareness will
bring about more sensitivity towards the issue,
and forgiveness will be able to happen (one layer at a time),
whether you are the unrequitED, or the unrequitER.

~ L ~

go beyond self-doubt

When you doubt yourself for the small things you don't do, 

think big picture. 

You're on a planet that rotates around the Sun 

and trusts it's pull from the Moon. 

Your heart continues to beat, 

and your left foot trusts your right, 

as it always follows it…

The Earth does not rotate around the sun

in a perfect circle.

In fact, it's the imperfect oval 

that makes the ebb and flow

creating the seasons on our planet.

The Earth has to trust the Moon

because without it,

it would wobble significantly more

and have a harsher climate.

Your heart trusts

that while one valve opens to allow blood flow,

another valve closes to prevent backward flow.

The brain cannot feel pain,

so it trusts 

the body's hardwiring

to send it signals

that something is not right.

We need the very organ that cannot feel pain

to feel pain.

Such is the case with our own internal rhythm.

You must trust and believe in yourself,

in all that's right and that's not,

just as the Universe does.

As Victor Hugo says,

"Be as a bird, who, halting in her flight,

on a limb too slight,

feels it give way beneath her,

yet sings, sings knowing she has wings."

~ L ~

thrive even when there's no reason to

pros-per; verb - 

to flourish, grow, thrive

There out of the corner of my eye

was this lone cluster of frangipani -

ablaze with color!

Despite their solitude

from the rest of their counterparts

and the gray skies above,

there was nothing forlorn 

about them.

~ L ~

tonight's the night...

Neil Young said it perfectly to Howard Stern...

"Some days you got it, some days you don't.

You want to preserve that day that you don't

for posterity for everybody to look at.

Some days I'm just not myself,

it just doesn't feel like me…

it's the cosmic weather.

You can't always have it

which makes you appreciate it so much

when you get it 

and that is what life is all about  - 

it's so beautiful…

the way it keeps changing."

Don't spend so much time trying to change
in this 'new' year.

Focus on appreciating
all that is right
and all that isn't
and let the ebb and flow
allow you to live your way
into your new self
one day at a time.

Happy New Year friends and followers.

~L~

a-dorn; verb

a-dorn: verb

- to make more beautiful or attractive.

At this time of year it's an ornament to a tree.

It's Bing Crosby and Ella Fitzgerald on your record player.

Maybe it's fresh powder on the window sill.

Nothing says 'tis the season like these embellishments.

But what about how one adorns another?

The garnish of Love?

If we have nothing else to decorate,

if we are bereft of impressive objects

or even a tree,

the beauty that adorns the season 

lies within your perception of 

what your spirit can hold.

It's wrapped inside the dilemmas of what to buy,

whom to tip,

how to divide up time with family,

where to hide the presents,

whom you are with and without this holiday.

All these little frustrations 

are actually blessings in disguise

that adorn each of us 

to one another.

All you have to do is see it.

Envision the ones you miss to highlight the ones you're with.

Arrange the imperfections of the ones you love

into a ball of mistletoe and stand underneath it.
Adorn the atmosphere with a kiss.

Recognize pain and suffering and adorn it with Love.

These are our gifts to one another.

Although it's been said,

many times, many ways,

Merry Christmas to you.

Thank you for adorning my writing
with your acknowledgments.

~ L ~

go ahead, judge me

If you've never been judged in any sort of 

competition,

do yourself a favor and sign up for it.

In light of yesterday's Cross Fit competition,

I had the pleasure of being judged and being the judge.

Pleasure, you ask?

Here's why:

You walk into a room. 

You're already nervous.

Your stomach hurts, 

your nerves send charges of tingles down your arm 

into your fingertips.

You're alone.

It's just you and the odds in a big crowded concrete room

full of cold alloyed steel,

large black rigs,

cannonballs of iron plastered with numbers 

you'd rather pay to get out of there than lift

and you've never felt lonelier.

Suddenly your soul searches for something to envelop the pain,

to occupy the harsh void of comfort.

I signed up for this?

You cling to every word of instruction

but you can't dredge up focus.

You feel the throb of your pulse in your eyes

as you notice the pencil that's about to 

record your flesh, blood and sweat onto a piece of paper.

Meet your judge.

As if you're not already not feeling human enough,

there's one who will remind you.

You've never met,

but you already fear him.

Please, you beg silently,

help me.

My vulnerability is at your mercy.

Take it and redeem it for compassion.

The bell rings, the clock starts.

Your body moves,

your muscles contract,

but all you feel is the purge of your weakness

that's about to set your new

personal record.

Because someone is watching you,

judging you,

your naked self 

camouflaged by the courage you simulated

when you signed up to be judged in the first place.

Please, you plead,

it's just me.

Be with me when you judge me.

Feel yourself in me.

We're the same.

The judger is watching.

I feel you,

he thinks to himself.

I've been there.

Keep going.

Your every effort is noticed.

He can't tell you,

but he wants you to hear him.

You do.

Because he is 

your

 own 

reflection.

The judge is the awareness of the judger

and the opposite is also truth.

One is a great teacher if the other will listen.

Don't live life without wanting to be judged.

Stare at it, instead, with a good solid look in the mirror.

Nothing can teach you more

than what you fear is your worst enemy.

The bell rings.

The weight drops.

Your muscles release.

The pencil's put down.

You walk away,

better for being judged.

~ L ~

the next time you feel empty...

If you punched me in the face,

you wouldn't beat me up as much

as I beat myself up

for not having the creativity flow out

of my body and into my fingertips

as it usually would.

All this blank space.
No words to write.
No ideas to ponder.

"Start over"
I tell myself.
"Find what you used to find,"
"Go where you want to go with it"
I say.

But I've been so damn concerned
about the edges,
the crust,
the beginnings and endings,
the past and the future
that I forgot where the hell I am.

But
I'm
Right
Here
In
The
Middle

Nothing reminded me more of that
than the match I lit
to light a candle.

This flame

that is always right here

within me.

It was the trigger

that reminded me to 

take inventory.

What's inside?

 Above all else,

I am an intricate design,

a big beautiful mess, actually,

of atoms that make up the

planet that I'm spinning on in the

middle

of empty space.

The middle.

The middle of consciousness.

Here I am.

I had to lose myself to find myself.

The very thing that was holding me back

is now helping me out.

If I am the light,

who would I be without the Dark?

And all of this space

in the 

middle

that I thought was empty,

is actually just

potential space to be

full.

And there's no better prescription

when you're feeling 

without edges, or middles

or knowing where the hell

you begin or end

than a jar of matches

to fuel your potential.

Match your flame to your blank space,

strike a nerve

and 

light up.

I dare you.

~L~